Let’s Not Jump To Conclusions

After the killings at Fort Hood, Texas, President Barack Hussein Obama made a short reference to the tragedy by admonishing the American people to “not jump to any conclusions” about who or why these murders occurred.  That was, of course, after the three-minute “shout” out to his Native American audience.  Don’t you just love the sensitivity of this American icon?  Oh, did I mention how he didn’t “jump to conclusions” at the white Cambridge police officer who arrested the black college professor.  No jumping involved there; right?  Actually, it was more of a pole vault.

Alas, we all have our conclusions.  Whether we jumped to them or not, depends I guess, on your point of view.

So, in the spirit of peace, love and Hooter’s chicken wings, I’ve put together a little test to see if you are a conclusion jumper.  I cannot claim originality though, I got the idea from Bill Cunningham.  He’s just another evil Conservative talk-show host you know.  Many thanks Willie!

Now put your thinking cap on and see if you can come up with the right answers.  But I warn you, someone from the government may be watching.

Question #1:  On November 4, 1979 under the watch of President Jimmy “Mr. Peanut” Carter, the American Embassy in Teheran, Iran was invaded and its staff held hostage for 444 days.  Who was responsible?  Was it:

a. The 1969 Mets
b. Albert “Cubby” Broccoli
c. The Marx Brothers
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #2:  In the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany, 11 Israeli athletes were slaughtered in their Olympic Village apartment.  Who did it?  Was it:

a. The 1969 Mets
b. Alec Baldwin
c. Curly, Larry & Moe
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #3:  In October of 1985, the Italian luxury liner, The Achille Lauro was attacked.  A disabled American Jew named Leon Klinghoffer was murdered and his body dumped overboard.  The murderers were nice enough to toss in his wheelchair after him.  What folks were in on this?  Was it:

a. The 1969 Mets
b. Ted Kennedy (He does have a history with water you know)
c.  The Beatles
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #4:  In 1983 a monstrous bomb blew up the US Marine barracks killing 299 American soldiers in Beirut, Lebanon.  Who was responsible?  Was it:

a. The 1969 Mets
b. The American Bar Association
c. Lynard Skynard
d. Muslim men between the age of 18 and 40

Question #5:  In 1993 an enormous explosion went off in the basement of the World Trade Center.  Some blind person took credit.  Was it:

a. Ray Charles
b. Jose Feliciano
c. Stevie Wonder
d. A Muslim man between the ages of 18 and 70

Question #6:  On September 11, 2001, two American Airlines jumbo jets plowed into the World Trade Center killing almost three thousand people.  Who was driving?  Was it:

a. Parnelli Jones and Jim Nabors
b. Mario Andretti and Dom DeLuise
c. The 1969 Mets
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #6:  In 2009 an American journalist named Daniel Pearl had his head sawed off.  It was filmed on the Sony High Def Betacam to make sure all the exciting action was captured.  Who did the sawing?  Was it:

a. Paul Bunyan
b. Gepetto
c. The Vienna Boys Choir
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #6:  In 2009 a plot to blow-up Fort Dix in New Jersey was foiled by the FBI.  Who were the plotters?  Was it:

a. The Miami Dolphins
b. The Rolling Stones
c. The cast of the Broadway Show “Cats”
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #7:  In 2002 10 people in the Washington DC area were murdered by a sniper who poked his rifle through the trunk of his car.  Who did the shooting?  Was it:

a. Hoss Cartwright
b. Wild Bill Hickock
c. Marshal Dillon
d. A Muslim man between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #8:  In 2009 two American soldiers were shot to death in front of an Army Recruiting Station in Little Rock, Arkansas.  Who was responsible?  Was it:

a. Ben Stein
b. Ringo Starr
c. Godzilla
d. A Muslim man between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #9:  In Irag and Afghanistan IEDs are killing American soldiers.  Who is making them?  Is it:

a. Henry Ford
b. Yves St. Laurent
c. Homer Simpson
d. Muslim men between the ages of 18 and 40

Question #10:  In 2009 13 people were shot to death at Fort Hood, Texas.  Who pulled the trigger?  Was it:

a. Annie Oakley
b. Bono
c. Al Gore
d. A Muslim man between the ages of 18 and 40

If you picked D for all your answers, you aced the test.  However, you are guilty of jumping to conclusions.  So, you are a candidate for the new re-education camps; coming to a neighborhood near you.

Real soon.