President Me

    

I’ve often thought: 
“What if I could run for President?”  After all, is not America the place where anyone can grow up
to be President of The United States? 
Haven’t we just proved that? 
Of course, I’ve always rejected the notion for a multitude of reasons;
the foremost being that I would be quickly assassinated.  You see, I just would tick off too many
loony lefties.  They would not
appreciate my sense of humor and they certainly wouldn’t like my conservatarian
values.  Plus, I don’t have any
money, any support or any hair. 
But, IF I did choose to run, here is the dirty dozen most important
items I would address:

 

1.    
Defense:  America
will have the biggest, baddest military on the face of the earth.  I would go full bore on SDI (Star Wars
for those of you who like cute names) and enlarge and modernize our nuclear
arsenal.  You want to send a nuke
at us?  First we’ll shoot it down,
then we’ll vaporize your whole damned country!  Oh yeah, and another thing, we reserve the right to use
nuclear weapons on any country that supplies, funds and trains terrorists if
they deliver weapons of mass destruction to America.  Did you hear that Iran, North Korea and Pakistan?

 

2.    
The Middle East: 
After eight years of American involvement, Iraq should be fully capable
of defending itself.  Will it be
easy?  Of course not, but it’s time
for them to take their future into their own hands.  So I would remove ALL of our troops.  I would add another 100,000 troops into
Afghanistan and destroy the Taliban once and for all.  If we have to chase them to the ends of the earth, we would
obliterate them.  I would also
promise Iran that if they interfere in the internal affairs of Iraq or
Afghanistan, its military would be totally destroyed.  We have the ability to do that.  I would restore our friendship with Israel.  It’s been damaged beyond belief.  I would remove ALL of our troops
now stationed in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and any other Arab state.  We have a navy that can be anywhere in
the world within hours so why do we have to have boots on the ground in the
most inhospitable environment on earth?  I would also remove  our troops from Europe, South Korea and Japan.  We’ve  been subsidizing their economies for six decades.  It’s time they took care of themselves.

 

3.    
Taxes:  I would
fight to repeal the 16^th Amendment (Income Tax) and replace it with
The Fair Tax.  The current income
tax code is more than 16,000 pages! 
No one, not even the IRS, can understand what the hell the tax codes mean!  Call ten different reps at the IRS and
you’ll get ten different answers to the same question.  Now that’s government bureaucracy at
its finest.  Not to mention that it cost American businesses and taxpayers hundreds of billions of dollars to do their taxes every year.  That’s insanity.  The Fair Tax would be
exactly that:  fair.  A tax on income is, was, and will
always be a punishment for success. 
Is that the kind of message we want to send to Americans who want to
better themselves and create more prosperity?  I don’t think so. 
Better that we institute a user tax, or sales tax.  Then EVERYONE, rich, middle class, the
so-called poor, drug dealers, hookers and even illegal immigrants who are paid
in cash can’t evade paying taxes.  Wouldn’t it be nice if April 15th was just another day?  An added bonus:  All Americans will have a stake in what our government is
doing with our money.  Then we
might actually become responsible voters and hold our elected officials
accountable.  What a concept!  Right now 48% of the US population pays
NO income tax.  They get a free pass.  Does that sound
fair? 

 

4.    
Jobs:  I would
eliminate the capital gains tax and lower corporate taxes to 10%.  It would be the lowest corporate tax
rate in the world.  You would see
an explosion of jobs here.  Why you
ask?  Because international
corporations would be crawling over each other to locate here and American
companies wouldn’t be leaving in droves to escape what is now the second
HIGHEST corporate tax in the world. 
The elimination of the capital gains tax will see unprecedented
investment.  Investment creates
growth that creates jobs.  Oh, I
know what you’re saying:  “Those
evil rich people are just going to get richer.”  Yes, they are, and you should be glad.  Rich people create the wealth that
enriches all of us.  Don’t believe
me?  When is the last time a poor
person gave you a job?  You want to
spread the wealth around?  You don’t do it by stealing from the producers and doling it out to the lazy and indigent.  You do it by creating an economic climate that allows businesses to grow thus creating new jobs.  It’s Economics 101.  I guess Columbia University didn’t offer that course when Obama was there.

 

5.    
Foreign Aid:  Cut foreign aid completely to
any country who votes against us in the United Nations.  You wanted our money, we wanted your
vote.  You took our money and voted against us more than 80% of the time.  We don’t need friends like you.  Take a hike.  Next, cut ALL foreign aid by
10% annually for ten years.  It’s
time nations of the world took care of themselves.  Look how welfare has destroyed lives in America.  It’s the same around the world.  You keep giving handouts and 
countries will never pull themselves out of poverty.

 

6.    
The UN:  Speaking
of the UN, GET OUT.  That’s right
you bunch of ungrateful, corrupt and two-faced bunch of anti-American hate-mongers.  Get out of our country and take your
unpaid parking tickets with you. 
If you want to talk, call us on the telephone.  We’re open twenty-four hours a day.

 

7.    
 Energy:  DRILL HERE, DRILL NOW.  Drill everywhere we find oil and
natural gas.  Turn coal into
gasoline.  The Nazis did it in
World War II, we can do it now. 
Eliminate subsidies for ethanol, a proven waste of money and the main
reason for the increase in food costs. With the technology we have available,
we have oil resources that dwarf Saudi Arabia’s proven reserves.  Wouldn’t it be nice to tell them to go
to hell?  If we could dry up their
cash flow, they couldn’t open any more madrassas that preach hate and support
worldwide Islamic terrorists. 
Eliminate the Department of Energy.  The 1970s holdover was put into place to reduce our
dependence on foreign oil.  How’s
that worked out?  Our dependence on
foreign oil has risen from 35% in 1974 to 66% in 2006 (current figures not
available.)  Another bureaucratic
boondoggle.

 

8.    
Terrorism:  You
attack us, you die.  Just that
simple.  You finance and support
terrorism, you die too.  I wouldn’t
commit massive ground troops around the world either.  We have the capability to bomb anyone into oblivion.  Why put our young American soldiers
lives in danger?  And I won’t be
afraid to call terrorists what they are: 
Islamofascists who are Muslim fanatics.  You want to meet your 72 virgins?  Get in line. 
I’m ready to help.  Osama Bin Laden once said, “You worship life, we worship death.”  Well, let’s help him worship.

 

9.    
The Economy:  Two
words:  Unfettered Capitalism.  That’s right folks, let the marketplace
work for a change.    We
could eliminate 50% of federal regulations that govern business and untie the
hands of a system that has given us the highest standard of living in the
history of mankind. 

 

10. 
Education:  I
would eliminate the Department of Education right off the bat.  It’s worthless and has not improved our
schools one bit.  In fact, our
children are growing dumber not smarter. 
I would turn education back to where it belongs:  local school boards.  Washington should not be telling Ocoee,
Florida what its schools should be teaching.  The only federal aid I would give would be a flat rate per
pupil to each state, provided that each state enact a voucher system so that
parents will have the ultimate say about which school they will send their
children to.  The competition for
students will have a positive effect as failing schools and incompetent
teachers will no longer be tolerated.

 

11. 
 Immigration:  Seal the border.  After that we can discuss
anything.  Except mass
amnesty.  Hold employers
responsible for hiring illegal immigrants.  Three strikes and you’re out would be my philosophy:  Strike one-a $10,000 fine for each
illegal hired; Strike Two-a $25,000 fine for each illegal hired; Strike
Three-the business is foreclosed on and sold to a disinterested party.

 

12. 
Government: 
Downsize, capsize and euthanize. We could eliminate 50% of the
bureaucrats in Washington and not miss a beat.  Many programs are bloated and duplicated.  There is no reason for that except corruption.  The federal government was never
intended to be as big and all-encompassing as it has become.  The power belongs as close to home as
possible.  In other words; the
states.  And, read my lips:  NO MORE EARMARKS!  I don’t care if you’re an elephant or
an ass, you get NO money for pet projects that bring you votes and pad your
bank account.  I will also push for
a bill that would prohibit former lawmakers and cabinet members from becoming
lobbyists–FOREVER.  I would ask for a constitutional amendment for term limits for congressmen and senators.  If the president can only serve eight years, why should we let these scoundrels draw a paycheck their entire life?  I would use the
line-item veto.  Let the courts
sort it out. 

 

Now,
can I get your vote?